A Million Dreams
If I had a dollar for the amount of time someone asked me why don’t you sing no more or why don’t you perform or in “The SpotLight”. I would be really rich right now . I started my passion in performing at the age of 3. I would sing for my family at home,birthday parties, talent shows anything you can name I was in . I honestly started singing to get attention. It was the only time I felt that I was able to speak from my heart and have people actually listen to me.
When I was 12, I was blessed to be apart of a theatre company that gives you Broadway training. I always wanted to be on Broadway since I watched Beauty and Beast at 6 years old . I saw this opportunity as a stepping stone to where I want to be, and it was. I just didn’t like the amount of favoritism that was in the company. That was the time when I started writing music. I took a few guitar lessons, started writing songs, and then scripts. I kept getting frustrated about how my talent and charisma was being pushed to the background and that I didn’t matter, people like me didn’t matter, so I started to make my own lane. In this lane no one was going to run me over or get in my way . I turn my nos into yes. I opened every door that was closing in my face and showed them no one in that line of actors or performers out there are better than me. Cocky much? You absolutely right. It’s cocky to the people who were threatened.
Let me make this crystal clear : what I am about to say might sound cocky and obnoxious . I am very talented. You can’t fake the talent I have. I never met someone who performed like me. I won’t say I am the most talented person in the world, I met a lot of talented people . I was apart of about 3 theater companies and went to a Performing Arts High School . In one of those companies I was in, this girl and I had the same Solo. She sang the solo for one group . I sang for the other groups. In this company, I think it was called advanced talent. She was a part of it . I didn’t understand why I wasn’t in it. To me it wasn’t fair that the girl who I shared a solo with was given the privilege to be in the group, and I wasn’t. In a another company, I was stage managing a play for this director that I had stage managed before. I asked him honestly why don’t you let me audition for your show? He looked at me and said “You need more work.” I thought to myself “ I have trained my ass off , So what the fuck you talking about.” Keep in mind I was in a show prior to his and was getting praised for how good of a performer I was. Also quick tea for you all: I had to learn someone else’s line due to the fact that they had to drop out. So HOW! am I not ready ? I decided to leave that place . I needed to find a place where I felt I belong.
Being in these companies really affected my mental health. I hated the way, I looked I wasn’t skinny, and I felt so ugly. I had the talent just not the look. I felt like I always faded into the background. I always thought maybe I didn’t deserve to be in the spotlight that I always dreamed of being in. I wasn’t talented. You don’t see people like me on stage or in the movie , so why do I try ? Having this break down I started to hate my voice and my passion for arts felt like I was pretending. People made fun of my passion. Yeah I am dramatic, but I truly care for this and no one understood that passion. So I faded in the background cause I didn’t feel good enough.
Everything happens for a reason. I know you hear that all the time it’s so typical, but truly everything happens for a reason. Leaving one theater company, I got into another and learned about other aspects of theater. I was able to start doing my own work. I was introduced to podcasting and creating a place for my artistic passion. I was given the opportunity to show what I can do and what I bring to the table. I was respected by like-minded people. I got over my hatred of my voice, became confident, and said “Fuck you” to anyone who tried to dim my light. Advice for myself and anyone reading this: stop letting people’s opinions affect how you see yourself.
Xoxo Rayna
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